herlucidlife

“Enter through the narrow gate” Matthew chapter seven verse thirteen. A statement, at first glance it sounds like instruction then I think perhaps it’s a command. The narrow road is hard yet there’s no destruction, only life. The narrow road leads to God, Jesus walks with me on the narrow road. Every time I dabble in sexual sin I don’t take myself off the path, it does however become tighter. There’s really no room for it on the path, I’m trying to make something fit that no longer works anymore. To be honest it never worked. 

Most don’t take the narrow road because it’s too hard, not because they don’t want to. Most want to be able to keep what they have while still gaining the things the narrow road has to offer. I remember when I began my path on the narrow road. I was broken, void, destroyed, hated myself, didn’t think God wanted to love me, I felt unloveable. I tried so hard to kill myself slowly, drowning.

I didn’t come to the narrow road gleaming with excitement, I came to the narrow road because I had no other choice. The wide road had chewed me up and spit me out. I thought I was in control when I was only a puppet of my own evil desires. The devil didn’t have to kill me because I tried to kill myself. The narrow road has been spiritual surgery. I’m still on the operating table. Bleeding out the things that do not and can not serve the Kingdom of God. 

I was trying to preach God’s word while still living on the path of destruction, the two can’t mix. I had to leave the destructive road behind in order to follow a new path. I longed for something better and still do. I long for a deeper freedom, a deeper kind of love and everyday that I experience the very thing I prayed for I know I’m on the correct path still. Yet somehow I managed to fit masturbation on the path. God is currently trying to remove it but I keep bringing it back like a cancer. 

I let go of so much while still needing to let go of so much more. There is no end to what I can let go of. The surgery is off and on, some days are healing while others days really take a mental load. Many people take the road that leads to destruction, it’s convenient, easy, non-abrasive, there’s a community of people that consign on the destruction thinking that it leads to life well lived. I used to think I was doing fine because I had people telling me so. I didn’t realize they were dying just like I was. 

It was not until I began letting things go, allowing the surgery God was doing on my heart to work. Every time I masturbate I hear this small voice saying “you really don’t have to do that.” Somedays I listen while other days I reach for the vibrator. There’s a dopamine release that happens, that takes hold of my mind. It’s like a mental and physical hit and since I do not take substances, this is my drug.  White knuckling when I don’t have to. On this narrow road, I feel my spirit groaning; it’s tired of holding on. 

God wants me to let go. The spirit within wants me to let go. The desire wants me to hold on. And then I do.