herlucidlife

Peace and calm are not the absence of sadness, they are the inclusion of God. As I went through my weekend there were moments of sadness and it reminded me that I can be grateful and have sadness. I can have peace and experience an emotion closely related to sorrow. I realized that God’s presence does not remove heavy emotions, He simply allows it to be manageable to withstand. He is in everything with me.

I’ve always had a twinge of sadness underneath everything. It’s not loud, it’s not draining and sometimes it can even go unnoticed, yet it’s a silent partner. Felt but not seen, in the shadows but not hiding, just there. I used to wish it away or think that I was unwell because she was there, I more so think it’s simply my human self loving the ones that have gone on. 

Growing up my mother and I would go to the dollar movie on Friday nights. I would get so excited at the start of the movie I would be squealing in my seat. She would just laugh at me. Such a sweet memory, till this day I still squeal to myself in my seat at the beginning of a movie. The little girl she loved comes out very often to play.

Going to the movies sometimes feels like more than something I enjoy and more like keeping a hobby that we enjoyed together alive. Perhaps that’s why I love going alone. I get lost in the fantasy the picture show creates, so much so that it takes me a couple hours to come back down to the reality I live in. When I was younger it almost felt like I would take on the persona of the main character in the movie for a couple hours until the impact wore off. 

After the movie finished I walked around the mall feeling numb. Highly aware of the emotions I was feeling, my senses felt heightened. Walking slowly, my body feels very relaxed. I couldn’t help but notice that even my voice felt lighter.