herlucidlife

Having thrown my vibrator away the night before. Embarking on the first full day without masturbating, I feel so vulnerable. I feel raw. There’s a lot of withdrawal there. The withdrawal is emotional. Masturbation filled an emotional void that I wasn’t so sure I even had. And now that it’s gone emotionally I’m not sure what to do with myself.  

Going for an evening walk after I’d bared my soul to my homegroup family. I could feel the hornies raging in my body and then they fell. Part of the battle is not overthinking abstinence. It’s simply living like how I’ve been living just without this huge thing, even typing it out sounds crazy. 

I wouldn’t say I’m dating anyone yet I tend to think about my future. Will they be able to handle the baggage that addiction brings? I want to love and be loved and I think masturbation has been something I turned to physically when that void felt near. It’s been a while since I’ve gone on a date, as most interactions never leave the screen. 

It’s been frustrating and in some cases I struggle with insecurity around the situation. I know I’m beautiful and I really like myself, sometimes I wonder if someone else will like me. There has been evidence that I’m likable but the romantic field can be so cold sometimes. It’s easier making friends than it is to create a relationship. It’s never been this difficult before. 

Going through life no longer putting myself out there in the most obvious ways. I’m open to dating yet I will not settle because someone gives attention. Giving attention does not mean they have the best intentions for me. Many have gone after things with no real emotional availability in mind. 

I have unsubscribed to that conversation.