herlucidlife

An interaction happened at the park on my late evening walks. It’s been too hot to walk during the day so I’ve been walking in the late evening. A young man spoke his mind, he asked if we could do sexual acts together. I politely declined and started on my walk. I wanted to tell a friend about my experience, not because I wanted to pick apart anything but because I simply wanted to share the experience.

I walked away from the interaction with my friend feeling very discouraged. Sensing a feeling in my gut, my heart felt dropped. As I’m writing this I’m noticing that I walked away from an encounter from a stranger feeling encouraged because it reminded me that I’m on the right track. Whereas I walked away from an encounter with a friend feeling discouraged. 

This young man kept asking me the question, “what are you looking for?” For some reason the question hit me in my chest. Though I understand he was asking for his own reasons, the tone of his voice when he would ask felt so clear. It got me wondering, “what am I truly looking for?” Do my habits show that I’m roaming aimlessly? Do my daily choices show that I’ve found what I’m looking for in Christ? 

As I’m surrendering masturbation and porn, truly looking at my decisions. Looking at the question, “what am I looking for?” It hit me that I’m still using unhealthy coping mechanisms that are keeping me from God. I’m using these tools as if they will give me only what God can provide. When I use these destructive tools, it shows that I’m looking past God into my own strength. 

Yet when I choose to let go of these tools that allow God to bring me exactly what I’ve been looking for. God wants to give me what I seek. Christ wants to give me exactly the love I desire deep down. I always think I desire a man when really I desire a deeper connection with God. Truthfully I’ve been struggling with things not because I have to but because I want to. I’m not using the constructive tools Jesus has given me properly and there are times when I’m not using them at all. 

It’s time to tap in, lock in and stay in the Word of God. His word is living, breathing, effective and sharper than any double edged sword. I need His word to cut me down to the marrow where the spirit and soul meet. I need to lay naked before the Lord so He can expose me to myself. Then we can heal.