herlucidlife

After sharing the interaction I had at the park with one of my guy friends. I immediately felt discouraged. I left feeling as though what this person was saying was someone how “law” in life. After continuing my walk, I looked at the information they had given. I weighed it out against my emotions and the feeling just would not leave. 

I’ve learned how to take a beat to look at myself before bringing my hurt emotions to someone else, mainly because I want to see if there is any truth there. After some days had gone by, the feeling of discouragement, confusion and overall hurtful feelings continued to weigh on me. 

Walking around the park talking to God about how I should handle how I was feeling, I felt the need to simply be honest. I needed to be honest because holding hurt emotions without sharing them with the person causes resentment, which then causes an unhealthy rift in the friendship. I had learned from my past interactions with friends that I did not want to do that. I shared my emotions. 

I’m very good at future tripping. I will play and create arguments in my head before even saying a word. Though I did that this time, what I did not do was cut that person off. Instead I told myself to simply be honest, allow them to respond to my vulnerability and then based on their response look at the pattern of their reactions and make a decision from that. In the past I would make decisions based on my own ideas of what I thought would happen. I would make decisions from a place of being too scared to bring up how I’m feeling. 

I feel proud of myself for sharing, being honest, not sugarcoating how I feel nor attacking the person. Simple honesty. Based on their response I may need to shift and add a boundary line for myself. Perhaps I no longer need to share dating nor experiences with men because I usually always walk away feeling confused, discouraged and doubting the very thing I know I need to do. 

Granted I continue doing what I’ve always done, digging deep in my faith and listening to the Holy Spirit within instead of listening to this friend. Though I will continue to live my life in a way that is best for me, I couldn’t walk through the friendship without being honest.