I hope I don’t sound redundant or like I’m repeating myself. These are simply the things I’m struggling with at the moment. Cleaning the house after the Tuesday women’s meeting at my homegroup, watching the suds go around the bathroom sink as I wipe the germs away. I began thinking about the real reason I masturbate.
When I was young it was all about sensation, I simply liked the way it felt. Then it progressed into a safe place sexually because I didn’t have to think or worry about some guy that wanted to experiment with my body. Actual intercourse caused anxiety because I never really trusted who I was having sex with. Agreeing to things I really didn’t want to do or allowing myself to be pressured.
Going into my late twenties, finding myself in a toxic marriage, masturbation was something that reminded me of being single. I missed being single in that marriage because I knew I had married the wrong person. Feeling as though my best years were behind me, masturbation allowed me to hold onto it.
Now in my early thirties, divorced with no children. Truth is I’m scared I can’t be redeemed by God. That I’ll go the rest of my life single. Never loving a man nor being loved back. To never kiss nor have sex again. To never join with someone spiritually, emotionally and mentally again.
The thought was a major reason in holding onto masturbation because if I have nothing else, at least I can feel a feeling. Until the temporary feeling began to weigh on my spirit. Eventually holding onto the feeling was no longer worth the pain it was causing. I feel in my gut I’m ready to truly make change, create better habits and cling to Jesus in this process.
More than saying I’m following Jesus but actually doing it. Actually coming to the throne of Jesus in the deep moments of temptation rather than sitting alone with it. The narrow gate is excruciating at times, just the reality of making the decision to do better is already bringing emotions.
I’m scared. Doubting myself a bit. Feeling a gut sensation that this is the time, I’m not turning back. The thought of not turning back to how I once lived is liberating, nauseating, terrifying and altogether a miracle.
One day at a time, lets see if I do it.
Leave a Reply