Based on the post schedule it may not look like it but it’s been a while since I’ve bared my soul. It’s been a while since my internal world has been placed on the altar for all to see.
Things in my life are shifting. After months of thinking I finally cut my hair. Iron deficient, washing my hair frequently, strands began feeling dry. The sensation of the sheers cut through each strand, my mind was racing like “what am I doing?” Fresh start for this new space in my life.
A fresh start doesn’t mean that old habits won’t follow me, rather I’ve been following them. Finding myself standing in front of the enclosed case that houses the vibrators. Across the way the deep conditioner sits. Doing what I needed to obtain the item, sitting in my car thinking “What have I done? Can you return it?” But I didn’t and I won’t.
It’s an odd feeling to feel being wanted again. For a long time I was the only person that wanted me, not counting God, friends and family though perhaps they matter the most. Wrestling with repentance and the urge to masturbate again. My attention is torn. I have a date. I’ve never met this person before yet it feels like I’ve known him a thousand life times.
I’m really bad at moving slowly when the fantasy in my mind is louder than reality. What makes someone feel safe above all others? What changes the way I look at someone? When in the past it would have been different. What in me changed? I’m not sure. I’m scared of how quickly the trajectory of life is going.
This time on the dating app was different, perhaps I was scaring away men the first time. Maybe I was too harsh in what I was looking for. A lover girl at heart, I like to give my full attention to one at a time to truly make sure there’s something there.
Two in the line up, leaning more towards the wild child with a big heart. I’m not sure what I’m doing. Guilt from masturbation is keeping prayers very short and few. I may not even post this, so in my head I really feel like I’m unwell at times.
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