Twilight zone. I’ve been in this place many times before, it resembles regular life while still being drastically different in the details. I look over my life, over the different mindsets I’ve had and what a whirlwind it has been. What it took to be who I am today was no small feat.
I think I’m in love. Never before seen nor heard I can’t let go of this feeling. Thinking I must be losing my mind. Transparently I’ve only dated 1 white guy and he wasn’t healthy for me. The scary thing is the person I wouldn’t usually go for is the one that has my mind all discombobulated.
I’m in some dream land and I’m so scared. It’s giving, attached at the hip. I don’t want to be let down or hurt in this crazy process. Then there’s this beautiful black man that thinks I’m beautiful too but something feels off and I can’t explain it. I don’t want to make the wrong choice. Am I insane?
How can I be thinking like this when we’ve only ever texted? How can a text thread longer than my adult life create such an inward yearning to be loyal to someone that is not mine? The obsession creeps in when my mind thinks of what he’s doing when the phone has gone quiet. I’ve gotten so used to only friends and family being on my line, it’s weird when it’s a suitor.
I’ve never been courted before. It’s been so long since it felt like someone was genuinely interested in me. Not to be used but to be loved. I’ve prayed for moments like these and somehow I knew it would come from the person I’d least expect. Whether I admit it or not, I had a version of who should love me and it disqualified a lot of people.
I decided to give this person a chance and the way my heart feels like it’s been flung open, I’m so scared to be stomped on. His lack of melanin doesn’t even matter to me, it’s the way I feel so cared for. Unknown and unseen, a literal stranger, it feels like he’s been here all my life.
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