ex-husband
Making the last few amends, I looked him up on Facebook. It’s been four years since I’ve seen a photo of you and the most unexplainable emotions come into my mind and heart. The first was empathy for the way I treated you. The second was remorse for the way…
Keep readinglower and lower
Sitting on the floor of my apartment, attempting to write amends to a young man from my past. Self-esteem was very low today. In my head, feeling as though I am not deserving or worthy enough for the things and people I have in my life. Being transparent, I want…
Keep readingseeking rest
I’ve been wondering about something lately. Moving all the time, not receiving enough rest partly due to busyness and the other due to procrastination. I’m tired physically and mentally. My spirits are high. I keep pushing. I knew a season would come where things would be busy. For a moment…
Keep readingiam kept
What a wonderful gift to see another birth year. It took me thirty-two years on this earth to finally begin applying the lessons I’ve learned. I’m seeing myself apply discernment and faith and patience and understanding. I’m finding myself leaning on others just a little bit more and allowing others…
Keep readingkeep walking
I received a rather unfavorable grade on my first paper for school. I believed I had done the best I could to soon find out my best was absolutely not up to par. Reading the corrections and constructive criticism, it took my appetite away. I had to talk myself down…
Keep readingreadjust
Classes have started. The emotions feel raw, felt but unnamed. It’s been a couple weeks since I’ve written anything. I haven’t been processing my emotions. I’ve been holding them in because I don’t know why I’m feeling them nor do I know what I’m feeling. Overwhelmed, overeating. tired, looking for…
Keep readingdesperation
The word “desperate” has been circling in my mind. Watching a YouTube video of a young lady she mentioned not behaving desperately when dating. The thought has been swirling in my brain. Have I been acting desperate when it comes to dating ? It grieves my heart to think yes.…
Keep readingcorrection
It may not seem like it but I haven’t written a word in weeks. I’ve been keeping things in my head. Feeling as though I have little to say. These moments are scary, often thinking I’ll never write again? Or has the road come to an end? Never thought I…
Keep readinga rut
I’ve been making small changes in my life.Changing the way I wear my hair. Doing my best to not watch porn. Showing up on time for church as I do work. Working recovery to the best of my ability. I’m chasing internal and external transformation. Doing my best to not…
Keep readingneeded
Going to bed with what felt like the weight of the world on my shoulders. I received a visit from you, something I didn’t know I needed. Feeling rather lonely when my head hit the pillow. Picture it: Laying in the guest room of the house I grew up in.…
Keep readingi can
It’s okay to let go. Letting go of drugs was a huge thing for me. The daily reminder that I can never use drugs, have a drink, take a hit from a blunt has been a catalyst to hold onto other forms of my disease. I don’t want to let…
Keep readinglie vs. truth
The word “strict” was used when speaking of the change my diet needs. I’ve never been strict on myself with anything in my life. I’ve never taken the option of leeway off the table. In my mind there is always room to do what I want. The words “moderately high…
Keep readingwork
Emotional eating is damaging my body. I kill myself in the gym to then eat like a pig. My skin is breaking out from all the sugary drinks. My body is so sensitive, if I drink surgery sodas and juices for too long my body tests for pre-diabetic. What? All…
Keep readinggrimy living
I need to write, to spill out my soul as though no one may read these words. My mind has been swirling, jutting from every direction looking for something, anything to remove me. There are times before I create I can barely speak God’s name, so I breathe. I close…
Keep readingdangerously distant
For weeks I’ve been distant. Thoughts, cravings, ungodly things tucked under the skin. Obsession, compulsion and defectives are different yet they feed off each other. The defects of ego, arrogance, selfishness, justification, and envy have been rearing. The obsession is the craving to physically release through porn. It’s the constant…
Keep readingHe met me
I stayed in bed too long. My mind went into the trenches, a dark and lonely place. I reached out to another addict and they helped me get moving. Getting out of bed around four fifteen in the evening. Cleaning the house, going to do laundry. My mind felt clouded.…
Keep readingthe otherside
Exhausted physically and mentally. Checking out, binge watching television. Ignoring emotions and feelings. Vulnerable, stuck and down on myself. I’ve been questioning whether I’m doing all I can. Am I truly being a productive member of society? Am I truly doing all God wants me to? There are times when…
Keep readinglines and creases
At work on break, watching a YouTube video. The young lady kept saying “to prevent aging” as she applied different products to her skin. It got me thinking how aging is seen as negative in our society. Lines and creasing are seen as undesirable. Laugh lines, creasing in the forehead,…
Keep readingsit down
Waking up, my body felt as though it had been run over. Finding my way to the gym, the workout was difficult doing my best to maneuver an exhausted body. Grunting and moaning through each exercise, pouring effort into a short thirty minute workout. Body cramping, out of breath I…
Keep readingonly begun
I’ve been feeling compassion fatigue lately. I love typing for a living. The action is therapeutic. Walking into work with a little bit of a deep sigh, the clientele can be draining at times. Purposely retreating, stuck in my little bubble. Constantly filtering unsatisfied members at work, needing a break…
Keep readingnot today
Been doing my best to stay away from websites that house sexual content. Some days are great while other days I fail horribly. The past couple days have been a huge struggle. Powerlessness is eating me alive. I lean on God yet I take the reins back because my body…
Keep readingquite priceless
When I began writing no one was reading my words. Five years ago, no one knew about my blog. It was simply something for me to feel, heal, and deal with the circumstances and situations of my life. I needed an outlet. I needed a healthy way to cope. Half…
Keep readingman could never
Everytime I come to my laptop there’s a little weight I feel in my heart. The heaviness of words needing to be set free. Sitting in a N.A. meeting tonight the topic of getting closer to our Higher Power was presented. It got me thinking of all the times God…
Keep readingin His care
Lived spelled backwards is devil. Another detail I noticed when doing a word search puzzle at work. The word “detail” has been in my head very deeply. I’ve been noticing the details that are taking place in order for certain things to happen, in order for certain people to cross…
Keep readinggood gifts
Live spelled backwards is evil. Living in a way that is opposite of God is evil. He is the giver of life, to obtain life without Him is not living at all. Evil breeds death. Sitting at my desk, waiting for the next chat bubble to populate. Working on a…
Keep readingevery detail
I’ve been putting myself out there. Getting to know new people at work, going to a different N.A. meeting. Choosing my homegroup, allowing others to love me and I love them. It feels as though something in me is being healed through knowing people that were strangers just a month…
Keep readinga new way
Arrogance and ego can lead to relapse. This topic has been in my head tough lately. True relapse is on a substance or any addictive behavior. Furthermore God has been weighing on my mind that arrogance and ego can take me out of His will. Relying on my own will,…
Keep readingrefreshed
The sun has kissed my skin, blood flowing strong through my veins. God’s grace flowing over my mind, soul and spirit. Renewed and refreshed. Walking into work ready for what is to come. The future can’t be predicted and the past is a figment of my imagination. Today is forever.…
Keep readingwork with it
The theme today is connecting to myself. In active addiction I was so disconnected. When my mother died, my identity died with her. Her presence was a warm space in my life, and when she left it went cold. I didn’t know who I was without her. Other people told…
Keep readingthe other side
First John chapter four verse four states, “You are from God, little children, and you have conquered them, because the One who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.” The night before all I could think about was how big this mountain looked in…
Keep readingscrewing myself
I threw my vibrator in the dumpster down stairs. The crazy part is I had thrown it in the trash in the apartment. I felt the craving and emotional baggage that comes with starting again. Dug it out of the trash can, washed it off and did the deed. It…
Keep readinganother layer
Tossing my vibrator into the trash. Recommitting to the cause. Walking through Walmart at ten o’clock at night looking for ice cream. Nothing will soothe the dirty feeling I feel. Eyes feeling numb and tired driving through the streets. Mind bouncing from one thought to the next. Making my way…
Keep readingthrough the wilderness
Speaking with my sponsor about some of the behaviors I’ve been acting on. It was brought to my attention that I have not been doing everything I can to not act out. I was doing the bare minimum. Working the twelve steps toward these behaviors is what I need to…
Keep readingnot there yet
I love when God shows me He sees, hears, and understands exactly what I need. All day Friday the song “He Always Provides” was in my head. Feeling low, thoughts swirling like marble designs. Wild how the most painful things can be the most beautiful. Driving to an in-person N.A.…
Keep readingdon’t compare
All through the day I felt insecure about where my life is. Sometimes I feel as though I should be doing more, especially when looking at others’ lives. Comparing my life to an ex-boyfriend’s social media post. Immediately I felt as though I was missing out on some kind of…
Keep readingrestless
Is it an obsession when something will not leave one’s mind even down to dreams? James chapter four verse four states, “those who are friends with the world are enemies of God.” I look to be included with people that entice my evil desires. I know I shouldn’t want to…
Keep readingthoughts
I’ve been writing more on the go. Sometimes looking to sit down at my laptop keeps me from getting down the emotions I feel throughout the day. Opening google docs on my phone keeps me filtering through emotions and ideas as they arise. There’s always an emotion swirling in my…
Keep readingno rush
My mind keeps circling around. Walking out of work, slowly making my way to the car. I wasn’t in a rush. My mind felt at ease. Often I feel like I’m rushing toward an imaginary destination. The journey is what it’s going to be and the only true destination is…
Keep readingdisease
For some certain sins don’t seem as bad. To God all sin is measured with the same amount of death. My evil desires weigh on me so heavily. I often allow them to take the joy out of life. I know I’m covered by His grace, there’s still a weight…
Keep readingtug of war
Belly full of ice cream, teeth feeling gritty from the sugar stuck on the enamel. Sitting in my dimly lit apartment on the floor, I’m having a hard time getting the words together. I’ve been marinating on Romans chapter seven, verses thirteen through twenty-five. It completely explains the struggle with…
Keep readingbed sheets
I fell. I let my flesh, the urges inside win. Shared about it in a N.A. meeting, felt empowered to not commit the act that night. Funny how the mind can start over the next morning. Leaving my friend’s birthday party, the physical urge had subsided but the mental urge…
Keep readinghonesty
Honesty. Since coming into recovery, I’ve done my best to be honest. Being honest with myself began in active addiction. Stuck in a marriage I chose, broken down, I just could not keep living the way I was living. Having broken my ex-husband’s heart many times over. I had to…
Keep readingperspective
The posts are scheduled out yet the reader would never know it’s been almost a month since I’ve written anything. Living life, connecting with new people, accepting invitations to different environments. Haven’t felt like myself in so long. Yet I know it’s because I never really knew myself. The old…
Keep readinggracefully broken
There are times in my life where I feel super in tune with God’s will and voice. Then there are times when I feel so far away. Recently I’ve been far away. My mind has been very clouded though I’m doing the correct things. I feel my focus shifting to…
Keep readingfamiliar spirits
Yearning for inclusion and acceptance has allowed me to hold spaces that aren’t healthy for me. I’ve run with crowds that didn’t serve me because I wanted to be included. Very rarely do I get the yearning to use drugs. Honestly I haven’t felt the need to use drugs since…
Keep readinggetting cleaner
As God cleans my side of the street. I’ve lived with filth for so long I almost feel out of my element living so simple and clean. I can’t believe how He’s working in the midst of my life while still removing things that are so ungodly. I still can’t…
Keep readinghidden
Tucked away in the ZenDen at work. I felt God knocking on my heart. I love to be hidden in our special place with God, yet I felt Him whispering to me… “how are you going to be a light when you’re hidden?” Going through the day I felt it…
Keep readingbaggage claim
There have been times in my life when I don’t think I can go on. Beaten down by the bad choices I made. Carrying baggage on baggage of guilt and shame I was so far from God or so I thought. Looking back He was there all the time, protecting…
Keep readingalignment
I often look at how the details are going to line up when considering surrender, not much trust on my part. When I moved to a new state, I knew only one person. I had no clue that in two months that person would longer be a part of my…
Keep readingpathways
I’ve been looking into the career path I obtained my degrees in. Needing additional schooling is not appetizing to me. I’ve been going back and forth with the idea for years. Having been on the right track in graduate school, my mother’s passing halted my mind. I couldn’t think, my…
Keep readingSomething went wrong. Please refresh the page and/or try again.
herlucidlife 